dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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