You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
