someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This is the high leading the old right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
