She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
