Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
