Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
this just has baby written all over it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
