Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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