he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize