Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.