Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
