That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
