I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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