A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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