My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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