the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
