the condom got lost in my hair
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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