My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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