you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
