i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I stole a fireplace last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
soo... how was my night?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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