That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
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Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
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Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus