i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.