So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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