idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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