apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
