I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
