My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
