Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I have post one night stand depression
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
