seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
