Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
