Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
