Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So vagazzling was a success
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
