You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
