i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
