Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
