he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
