Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize