So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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