She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
