my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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