she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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