see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
