if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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