I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
