8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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