the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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