i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
