Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
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last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
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Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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