i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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