Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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