I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
