No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
