Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
