I forgot how hot balto sounded
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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