i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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