it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
