awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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