Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
