My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jerry, you need to find god
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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