My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
