remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
