Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My ass is underappreciated
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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