So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize