i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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